Mom got to see a telephone for the first time when she was about four or so. Grandma stood her up on a chair so she could reach the mouthpiece. Mom was playing with a bit of string, circling it around her arm and running it between her fingers. To a kid, everything is a toy.
When Grandma stood her on the chair and held the earpiece to let her hear Aunt Lizzie, Grandma's sister, Mom dropped the string. So the first thing Mom ever said into a phone was, "Oh, I dropped my tip-end." Then she jumped down from the chair to retrieve it and ended her part in the conversation, which was not impressing her all that much anyway.
Sometimes when I loose the thread of something, that saying becomes my line. Well, recently I dropped my tip end, lost of the thread of things. It's difficult to be a solitary witch. It's not difficult to keep on with the daily things, keeping the altar and the morning rite. The work is something I can do alone. I can gather herbs and make oils and sew mojo bags and dress candles -- all of that is just fine.
But when it comes to what I'd call the spiritual part of the path, I sometimes find it very difficult to keep the magic simmering when there's no one else to share it with except just me and my Honey. It's times like this I want others around. I want to gather at the hearthfire with others who are just as dedicated as I am, to circle around with others who are giving their energy into it the way we are. I want to keep the Sabbats and the Esbats, work the growing moon and tend to our causes and our healings. I want to build community. Sometimes I get very tired being the odd-man out here where I live, in this sea of church steeples.
Lately, being so isolated from anyone seriously Pagan, I pretty much dropped my tip-end -- nothing made sense and I was right in the middle of an Ecclesiastes lament: "Vanity, vanity, all is vanity..."
What was the point to anything. Silly things like mowing the grass or spinning thread or working the healing moon -- where did any of it lead -- wasn't it all just busy work?
Every day I was feeling more and more tired. I would get a spark of an idea and then I'd just sigh -- whatstheuse...
One morning, though, I got this I-Ching reading that said, "Walk the circle. Stand in the center. Then the Universe spins with you." And I took it literally. I walked the circle, called the quarters. Lit the candle and stood in the center of my circle. It's what I always do. But lately, I had let that tip end slide away from me. I needed to renew the committment. Christians do this all the time -- rededicating themselves to their Diety.
This was like that. Energy came whisking in and my thoughts turned to All-Mother. I prayed her prayer:
All-Mother, All-Knower,
Soft Speaker, Spindle Wielder,
Wise Watcher,
You who spin the battles from afar,
You who know much and speak little,
To Thee do I give Honor...
It's one of the main prayers of my circle work, but I heard it all one key deeper than usual. I was getting a tune-up. I was finding my tip-end.
Now that I've got Mama's thread back in my hands, I'm going to be just fine... let's see what pattern there is to the weave.
2 comments:
I think there is a lot of that going around. Thanks for posting this; I feel less alone now in my having-been-lost-ness and in my bit of ritual on Mother's day, with AllMother.
I think a lot of it has to do with the major planets -- 2 of the 3 -- changing sign this year. Who could keep their footing when all this energy comes pouring in. Maybe a Saint could, but a Saint I ain't.
First, Uranus (Uranium-bomb) comes into the sign of Aries (cardinal, action sign of the warrior I Am) and all these things hit the potent ange of the ascendant (not individually, but universally). All of us have some quick fancy footwork to do to stay upright as the framework of what was becomes what will be -- we lose the gist of what is now.
We're still reeling from that shift when here comes Neptune into it's own sign, feeling strong in the undertow of all things repressed, hidden, and universal. We explore the Universal twelth house of dissolution. Boundaries are no longer clear and things unseen are seen and theings seen become cloudy.
The only thing we could do, really, was grab Mama's hand until we gain our equilibrium.
But you know All-Mother, she won't hold our hand long. She just steadies us and sends us back to the work at hand -- reminding us, though that the Great Work is the real deal and all this ant scampering we do is the side line. I forget that one daily.
It feels good finding my footing again, even though this has not yet shown itself in the the manifested world. It will.
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